This is it!

Now I think I have my answer. The answer to why I feel dead. Why I feel like I am not being myself. For these past 10 months or more. And I still wonder though... What had been missing? Why is it that I don't feel my own presence? I thought I was lost.

I remember those times though, when I used to blog frequently... Reflecting on my life. I would always wonder... Why was I given the signs? Even if I do not ask for it? For the past few months that I've lost myself, I think I had been too arrogant to even see the signs. I was so arrogant that I did not even notice I was being arrogant! What a big pity.

But now I know. What had kept me for being me is family. My beliefs. My way of life. Reflecting everyday, putting it down in words... I just loved reflecting. Oh those days. The days where I cherished every moment of my life. When I knew whatever I was doing... When all I cared was to make people happy, not for making people accept me! Why did I change? Why did I change for the worse?? Now I am talking to the girl in the mirror. Now I know what is wrong with her!

God forgive me and my sins. There is nothing I need most other than You. For You are my guide, for you are my light. You shine my way when I led myself into the loom (like 90% of the time!) And you were always there for me... even when I did not notice you. Sometimes I even forget you. Damn me. Now I realise that I do not deserve to go to Your heaven at all. Oh Allah, have mercy on me. Because I do not have the strength to step in Your hell, let alone be Your hellfire.

I felt the ground shake at Far East Plaza just now. Ideas came into my head. What if the building were too fall? Would I still be alive? What about my siblings? Will I get the chance to tell my mom I love her? Would I be able to ask for forgiveness from my relatives and friends? Will I even be given the chance to repent? If I die, and I don't repent, that means I would not have any chance to repent! I will go to hell?! I pushed the thoughts away. Too much to handle.

Then we watched "This is it". MJ. My all time favourite. My idol since I was six. Why people love Michael? Now I know. He is humble. No matter what race, no matter who are you, even if you are amongst the enemy, he will still say "God bless you", "I love you". His tone of voice is so soft. It is as if he is singing but he is actually talking. The way he brings himself is so exquisite and fine. The way he works... very detailed. He is the best of the best that only the best can work with him! masya'Allah.

He gave me the chance to see this movie. To see for myself, what I had been missing. To help me find my answers. I am so touched by His care and love. So touched.

Alhamdulillah Syukurillah, for I have found my answers.
Thak you Allah.

'HALLOWEEN' Freaks Me Out...

Pfft... what a day! Went to Ang Mo Kio today... Recce the Town Garden. Pretty small area... But we were amazed by the awesome background that the softscape gives us for our photos. Such lush greenery!

One good thing is that we had to climb up the hills. After three months of solid 'Heavy' lunchs and no exercise, we went back to square one and started on our Final Year Project. Yeah baby, work it out! Tomorrow is going to be Fort Canning 'Day' For us. Haha. Gonna leave home early in the morning and start our recce.

Then we went to watch Halloween with Ziza's family :S I swear I felt like crying and vomitting through out the whole show! It gave me no room to breath. I could only gasp. Luckily, Hakam was there to make me feel safe. Even though it felt so awkward because I was sitting next to his mom. :l Okay, I am going to relax and calm down. Next week, my favourite cousin is getting married! But tomorrow... jeng3... I'm gonna see him again! Teehee! Can't wait. :))

Nobody knows what kind of love we share.

Now that I am back!

Got myself mobile broadband from M1 :) So... I can get internet access anywhere, provided I bring my lappy. But I'm not going to do that everytime. Even if I do, I have to be very careful.... So that I would not lose my Laptop any more :)

Something has been smothering me... I had an argument with a friend that time. After reading my posts, do you think I have problems with my english? I mean, I know I did not get a distinction for English during my o's but Seriously?

I asked her that if she thinks I had problems with my english, why don't she correct it? So I asked her to correct me. And guess what? She could not answer! Pfft. Come on lah. Oh ya, she had problems with my TycoPrincess nick name. *Clenches fist* Come on lah! Anyone who has played pool with me knows that I'm Tyco... She thinks tyco is good? You don't know the rules of pool is it? If I wanted to show off, I would have nicknamed myself "PoolPrincess" Or some name. I really don't like this kind of people. Problematic.

Ok now I'm done venting my anger. haha. Everytime I think of her, it makes me angry. I can't believe I was so good to her last time. Badigol kan? Now, she's like a backstabber. You know, in Malay there's this saying... Bagai melepaskan anjing yang tersepit. Like you help a dog, what does it do after that? Thank you? No... It runs. I can't Believe I was good to a female dog.

BTW, Happy Birthday Mika! I can't believe you are seven... I thought you were 8!!

Great Book!

"I Believe You"

http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyoufn.htm

“You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc.“However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.”

*How nice!!!*

This book is actually about a NJC girl sufferring from OCD. The journey tells of how a schoolmate helped this introvert demise her illness, and they end up falling in love. The twist? Both believe that they can't love. :)