I'm bored

I want to post some pictures that I took, but its so... Anyway.
just put it as, I am lazy to upload the pictures. Will upload soon okay!

So, The last time we went out was when we went to Sentosa.
We had fun with the luge... haha. Saw RWS, Had a really fun time...
Sad thing we couldn't do SegWay. Okay! I am so going to do SegWay and megazip next time.
But next month's outing would be Lily putt. Hmm Gonna check out if they have a website.

And Darling wants to do Ice Skating? Hhaha. Where? Not Explorer Kid's for sure...
Okay! Lets do some research shall we?

I miss him, I always think of him after all that has happened just now :)

It's near 4 and I've yet to sleep!

I know I've promised you not to vent my anger at you. But oh dear, I couldn't help myself. I hate it when I do that to you, because I know you do not deserve it. We both know. After telling you all that was hidden in my tiny heart, I can't believe you trust me. I did not expect that. I've never felt love so strong from someone else except from my mother or aunt. But you trusted me, you believed me and forgave me. You even told me you would protect me... I feel so grateful. So honoured, so blessed to be with you.

I will never bring myself to betray you or hurt you. This, I promise myself :) Allah has His ways of working His magic.

I love you. I know you know :)

Nenek's birthday

It's nenek's birthday today, and I had a surprise for her which made her almost cry... I think, that was the best birthday present I gave to anyone in my life, accidentally. When nenek saw it, she hugged me real tight. I was moved, almost in the verge of tears :) Will post some pictures soon.

Dan aku fikir-fikir, dan terus memikir

Ya Allah,
Dugaan apa yang telah kau berikan kepadaku?
Apa kah hikmah disebalik semua ini?
Kejadian-kejadian yang berlaku,
Sumpah setiaku kepadaMU?

Ya Zahir,
Kau yang memandang segalanya,
Namun hanya kau lah yang tahu segala yang tertulis di benak ini.
Lindungi lah hambaMu yang kian lemah,
Dibaur debuan asap neraka mengaburi mata.

Aturkanlah langkahku, untuk meniti titian yang kian rapuh
Bagaikan berjalan di atas seutas benang,
merentas langit yang tinggi,
Sungguh ku tak berdaya.

Rintangan dan badai yang harus ku lalui,
Demi Yang Hayy, Demi Yang Qayyum.
Akan ku harungi dengan penuh jiwa dan raga.

Life...

Life has never felt better I guess.... No stress about school, no stress about not having enough $$$... hahahaha.(Gerek Kan)... But then, as I move on, new challenges arise and I have to face them one by one. No matter how tough, no matter how disheartening, no matter how discouraging!

I am so happy today because mr.H is on luggage off tomorrow. :) So, we'll be going out with his family :)) Yeay! (I can't believe it, I had just came back from having supper with his fam an hr ago. And now I can't wait to see them? hahahah)

But seriously, I so can't wait. We are going to Vivo tmr I guess. :)) SHOPPING! ahhahah. (Like I shop every day, nowadays! Hello?!) Im enjoying life while waiting for graduation. :) Im thinking of working for O'braim and at the same time do some freelance (like as if that freelance is going to happen!) but hey! You never know. Wealth and fortune is in God's hands. :)

so, Tawakallah.

Insomnia

I still cant sleep and its near to 5. I think I am stressed out or depressed? or just simply nocturnal? I wanted to watch santau but was too scared. haha. So suspense. Shall just wait for tomorrow.

Ok, back to why I may be stressed. My parents want me to continue with my studies. Thats not the main problem. The main problem is that they do not seem to understand my dreams. My realistic dreams. They want me to have my own design firm. They want me to embark to Malaysia or Australia. But I will have to do that alone? I'm not an 'alone' type of person. Why can't they see that?

My realistic dreams include managing my own restaurant.

i don't know.

uncertain.

Wont see you on friday

I am feeling like a total outcast in my family now. My parents are talking about me with my relatives on facebook. Behind my back? That's funny and sad at the same time. The effect? Tears. All of this started because I decided to work WITH O'braim, my GodParent's business.

My family thinks im working FOR them. And because I want to be near to my boyfriend or i don't exactly know what they think. But what I'm sure is that they don't understand me. Sometimes I get fed up because they think i am stupid or something? I get fed up that I do not even bother. After all the good that I've done? Nothing comes out worth it. Trust me, it has always been like that. And it is very depressing. Imagine, if you have cleaned the house and your parents say you have not cleaned it and that you are lazy and what not, would you like it? After all the effort and hard work you have put in... My life is like that. In simple words, nobody.... Zilch! No body, appreciates me. If you happen to read this post and you appreciate my existence in your life, please tag me. So I know. Otherwise...

So, we have a family gathering this friday. And we are going to JB. Ya I said we. But now, its 'they'. I have decided not to go because I had just found out my father had been updating his status about me in his FB and my aunts are like talking behind my back. Hypocrites. They seem like they understand me in front of me but it so happens that they are talking behind my back.

I am so upset. I feel like running away until I can show my face. I feel so... so... SAD. Well, I guess I'm better of gone, until i can clear my name, If not they'd call me the infidel after dreamcrasher or living off someother's fortune.

My message: I don't know what the future holds for me. I have been given choices. And I chose the one nearest to Allah. If you can't accept what I am doing, then I don't have any loss because 1) I am happy with what I am doing, 2) I give donation to elders (does your child give their grandmother money? or do they ASK her for money? 3) I help my parents. 4) I do not do drugs or smoke or whatever nonsense. (Even if I do, that's my problem, But I DON'T) 5) I am going to have a diploma in hand, If my initial plan does not work out smoothly, I will sit in that chair and chop passports to get 1.8k every month juat to keep your mouths shut.

Why are you always talking about me? I will drive that Jaguar one day and trust me, all of you will be going like "oh tu anak sedara aku!". Just wait until that day comes and BOOMZ! I will have the last laugh.

Dreamcrasher Signing off.

3 days

Another 18 more days.

Maybe the gap is leaving us both depressed. That's why there's tension. I want to be happy, you want to be happy. We want to be happy like we always do. Its hard knowing that we can't talk so much on the phone now... I know. And I can't sleep, I can't eat... I just can't be normal. And my feelings, they are shaky. I don't have you to talk to. I don't have you to listen to me and my dreams. I feel like I don't have you like I did before.

But honey you know what? This is another new obstacle we have to go through. And I don't want to give up. After all we've been through... I don't care what you bring back for me cos bringing yourself back home is enough for me. I pray that you are safe and sound over there. I pray that tomorrow, I'd have the chance to apologise to you. I pray that I will start loving myself more than you love me... So that I will be healthy and lead a very happy life :D. Amin.

Regret for listening to you: A day. Regret for not talking to you: A life time.
Forever and Always... Missing you.

To the ENT

Had referral to Changi General Hospital for my ear implications. Guess what was the implications? There's like a stone in my right ear, and there's a heavy bruise in my left ear.

First, one of the doctors wanted to conduct a hearing test. But he told me that he cant do the test as i have to clean up my ear first. So, I waited for Dr Peter Lu. He told me to sit on this chair... And then he used like a vacuum thing to suck out all the wax and dirt. There was one point of time where he accidentally placed the sucker on my bruise and I almost cried. hahaha. All the way, I told myself, all of this is going to be over in a minute. But that 'minute' was like ages!

Moving on, He proceeded to my right ear. He started cleaning it like nobody's business... then suddenly, he stopped because there was a hard thing inside my ear. So, I had to go to the room with the microscope above my head. And there I was, lying on the bed. So. He sat beside me and took the microscope and then looked into my ears. There was one part, he asked the nurse for a hook. A HOOK??? What the toots is a hook man? I was scared. I was hoping he would put me on anesthetics or something... The scenario reminded me of the movie 'Awaken' I think. About that guy who did not fall asleep while he was being operated. Nice movie. Anyway. In the end, he took out that stone. Hahaha. Finally. No I can hear much better.

For my left ear, however... There is a hole in my ear drum... so the doctor gave me ear drops to fill it up. There's sponge in my left ear now. So its blocked... And, you wanna know what is the cause of all these? Flu. Because there is so much phlegm in my body, it had affected the ear, causing infection. :( See what a flu can do to you? And how did he know that I had alot if phlegm in my body?

The doctor gave me anesthetics for my nose.... and then he put in the microscope into my nostrils. So he saw a lot of phlegm.

Disgusting story... I know. But hey, you never know... It might just happen to you :)
*Insyallah tak*


Anyway, Thank you for loving and caring so much about me.
You love me more than I love myself.
And I thank Him so much for that.
Thank God for you and your sister :)

Dear Allah,

Ya Malik, Through your utmost powers and willingness, please bear him safety throughout his outfield days. Ya Rahman, Shower him with your blessings and guidance, such that he becomes your most faithful one. Ya Razzaq, Grant him his good supplications so that his family would enjoy his fruits of labour. Ya Aleem, Lead him to the wise and knowledgeable ones and refrain him from the sly and cunning. Ya Muhaimin, Bring him joy and laughter through is thick and thin, so long as he knows that You are always by his side, protecting him. After all, you are Al - Sami' of supplications.

May praises be to Allah s.w.t and His Prophet s.a.w.

Here comes goodbye

For three weeks at least.
No more late night calls, but more prayers for his safety.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Tears in heaven

I wish I could take back my words.
Just like how you took yours from me.
It seems like a hobby, the way you make me give up and in.
You make me cry and laugh at the same time.
Keep me wondering if this is what I deserve.
After all that I've done and what we've been through.

I can't sleep and its not your fault. Its mine.

Just as stars were shining so bright

It's 2:17 am in the morning and I am stressed out. I have never been on an extensive emotional roller coaster such as this. Have you ever felt like you thought your prayers had been answered and you can't believe that something that you had given up on, was coming true? But just as you were about to start believing, big news came and you can't live your dream. Heh. Pam. Boomz. *Glass shatters* Oh my god. Tragic. I don't know what or how to react right now.

Another one more will come... And you will feel the same way that I do, and by that time, I hope you won't regret. Because maybe by that time, we won't feel the same.

Now you know.

When you start missing somebody

I was window shopping with my girlfriends (Azizah and Sarah) and when we went to Cotton On, there was this one particular section in the shop which has this distinct scent of his perfume. I swear, I felt like I fell into his embracement. And it was such a good feeling. I felt like being loved and secured. Is that how you define 'miss', mama? When you hear his voice when its just silence accompanying you all night long... When you feel his presence, but its only you and these four walls.

He is one in a million and he is my one and only.

إشتقت إليك, عبدالحكام

Future

Sometimes I ask and wonder. What the future would be? Some people would put it as end of the world - like the movie 2012, Some would say that the earth would be at its weakest point. My Idea of the future would be... Islam would rise again. We would lead the world. Something a lot of people are afraid of. But thats my view of the world's future.

But My parent's question for me would be 'What are you going to do after graduation?'. Not only my parents ask me that, may uncles and aunties do to. You know, its like... The KFC advertisement on tv now, When the grandmother asks the boy whether he has a girlfriend or not and 'interrogates' him... But he just ate the KFC chicken to buffer out the 'noise'. Unfortunately for me, my uncles and aunties are 'Super - Canggih'. Now, they use facebook! Don't have to wait for Hari Raya or any gathering. I will still be bombarded with these kind of questions.

I guess some would think I want to get married after I graduate. And oh so many of them disagree. Haha. I'm not going to get married okay. I will only after I have let my family taste my wealth. haha. I still have my dreams. And I am working on it still. Even if I want to get married, it would be a complicated process and I will work hard towards my dream wedding and my dream 'life after marriage'. So it takes a lot of preparation for now. I'm working backwards you know.

As for my career, hmm... I am not ashamed of my dreams - just embarrassed to tell. Let's just leave it as, for me to know, for you to find out. Like I said, I'm working backwards. It all starts from My Dream Eternity Life (In the Hereafter)

Chicken Lover's Casserole

So I made one of my all time favourite (two in one!), in which I still have yet to name it... It took me less than half an hour to make it, even though it states there preparation takes around 1h 15 mins. The casserole, just fyi, is actually served as Baked Rice in Swensen's. I can't believe that I've badok-ed that dish almost everytime I visit Swensens just to find out that it is easy to prepare and its much more Tastier and Cheaper! So money saved, Cravings satisfied plus bonus quality time with the family :) Should cook more often... hehe.

Preparation wise, it was not tedious though. Could have just used Campbell's cream of mushroom but I decided to make my own because... I wanted to? After all, if anything is instant, it wouldn't be 'I cooked' now, would it? The mushroom soup turned out great though, Praises be to Allah, and - and... The mozarella was great. Now we just have to remember that we don't use Mozarella for cheese fries... :) We Use Cheddar, Nina!

Maybe, Next up would be... Ayam lemak cili padi?! Favourite! Mmhmm! Have fun looking, I know its tantalising. I drooled while taking the picture. But it did not drop on the food! *Ziza, I know you would go "E-e-ewwwww-w-w-w" (like a sheep) heh.

I can't believe this...

As I was on the phone with my boyfriend, I was looking through the recipes for my Casserole. I so can't wait to try this recipe because I am craving for something creamy, juicy, and 'fattening'! Haha. I've done pastas and lasagnas but never baked rice. So its something new and this made me realise something.... hmm. That's a good start... *Talks to self*

I've prepared my shopping list and I'm ready to go. I have to try this recipe by this Friday so... We'll see! Wish me luck :))

Backache

I ended up not going to school because of my backache. How did I get it? Well, I woke up with 1/4 of my body hanging from the right side of the bed. So, my head was resting on air. The only support that I had was my back (right below the armpit area). So, what a devastating way to wake up! (Should be thankful that I wake up!)

The funny thing was, I did not realise or rather, I could not feel that I was sleeping like that. Maybe the fatigue? Could be.

So my day was blissfully spent watching a movie that I had longed to watch 'Julie & Julia'... :) Quite an inspiration though... It has inspired me to cook. Should cook eh! Long time no cook! I wanna cook cream mushroom with chicken topped with cheese... eat with rice, sounds delicious!

Now I just need to know when... :))

Confessions

I have to tell this to the world. I detest people who love to shout and who likes to scold. Everything can be settled with control. Shouting is almost equivalent to barking like a mad dog. And I can't stand people who don't know the meaning of embarrassment or being ashamed. Oh God, what is the world coming to?

depressing

I think I will need Anti-Depressants.

School has been ever so Depressing and Demoralising.
Now its home.

We have this issue of what I am going to do in future.
I had thought for such a long time.
But this decision I am about to make is disrespected.

Can I do what I like and not do what I don't like?
I am done doing something that I hate. I faced the fact, I am never good at design.
At least thats what the lecturers told me.

We are going through a huge ordeal at home already. Please don't add this on me.
If not for my faith in Allah s.w.t, I might have self-destruct and you might have seen and experienced an unforgettable nightmare.

All these years, I've never complained. I kept strong even when the odds are against me. Let me fight. I want to fight. Fight for a brighter future. Don't let me stay imprisoned. I don't want that. Please don't add to my sorrows. If you let me continue with my dreams, I promise you, I'll be the best that I ever can.

I'm sorry, I'm just not as passionate about design as I am before.
At least, Let me find other things that I can be proud and good at.
Just face the fact like how I had to face it (except that I had to face it terribly, you don't have to)
I AM NOT GOOD AT DESIGN!