Last day of 2009....

In a few hours time, It would mark a new year. But we would still be the same people. It is just a year... nearer to our death... So be thankful to Allah for letting us stay in this temporary world and enjoy his fruits... Giving us time to prepare for the Hereafter....

Beestung

Life, as we have already know it, is full of ups and downs.
Sometimes, we get misunderstood, sometimes we get insulted and most of the time, life would be unfair for us.

I don't get why I get misunderstood sometimes. Or maybe, most of the time. Maybe I was complacent and arrogant? Maybe more to impatient? or too ambitious?

What I know for now, is that I have pretty much learnt how to be patient and how to handle difficult situations with a clear mind.

Thank Allah S.W.T for His guidance... I have been able to take everything that happens with a pinch of salt. My sister would say that I am weird, but hey, it is the truth. Not everything can be seen with your naked eyes. Most of the time, internal and eternal happiness would be achieved when you look with your inner eye. That is when you look at things that happens in front of you optimistically.

If something bad happens to me, I would say that Allah SWT wants to replace it with something better. One example would be my laptop? When I lost it, of course it was heart-shattering. But He did replaced it with another laptop which is much better and I am so thankful for that :) Syukurillah.

Having a smile on our face is different from having a smile in our heart. When we smile in our heart, it means that we are contented with what we had done, we are doing, and going to do. How do we smile in our heart? When we do something that is best for us, in the name of Allah. When we remain focus on what we want to achieve everyday. When we don't worry about the future and accept everything that has been written for us.

Do you believe that Allah SWT will give only the best to His creations? You, as a Muslim, have to believe because you believe in Him.

Why don't I feel exhausted?

Guess what? Today is literally 'work' day!

9-3 at BLG. I thought I was late... But when I reached the office, Boss have yet to come in. Buat cuak ajer. Then I sat until 11 plus until boss came in and that was when I got released from the suffocated feeling of doing nothing but sit around. Told mama Gi, "when some one is used to do heavy work, she would feel tired if she is forced to sit." And mama Gi said, "Ya, and the ones who is used to sit at work, find work like this tiring..." Pretty true.

I don't really feel tired at all! :) WOW! [ok, why is my window wide open?]

So after which I headed straight to O'braim :) And the rest is history, hehe. Tomorrow, I will spend my day at O'braim again. heh. Goreng Pisang O'braim Panas-Panas!

Happy Day :)

I feel so happy that I can't sleep. And tomorrow, I have to wake up at 6 or 7 latest. The reason to why I am happy is because I managed to make some good decisions today... Decisions that would make life easier and much happier for others. :) Syukur alhamdulillah.

I can tell you that I've changed the way I look at things. Now, I would like to look at things positively. And shall constantly remind myself that there is no such thing as 'But it's just too bad. you've had the best days of your life' or 'I can't do it, because I am not a prophet'. These are all pessimistic quotes which we should hinder.

I recommend you to think positive, seek for guidance from Allah, look, listen... For those may be signs. Never think of any negativity at all because we human beings are more attracted to negativity than positivity, It's all mind over matter. :)

I wish I could share some of my experiences with you but I am pretty tired already. :) I shall just put it in a few words all right?

Sincerity does not need a tongue, nor does it need an eye.
Compassion is you before me.
Appreciation needs a smile, even if a dime.
Contentment is being thankful and not asking for more.
With these, you'd achieve the greatest love of all,
loving YOURSELF.

Ya habibi, Ana Aihbak...
Ana bahibak, Ya Hakam...
:)

Romeo And Juliet

My love story is a bit much like New moon (one of the Twilight Sagas).

Even if there is a dream guy out there waiting for me, ready to love me...
Until you leave me for another lady in your heart,
My head would not stop thinking of you.
Every breath I take reminds me of the things we did together.
And my heart would always feel lost and shaky.
Like as if, it is really only beating for a man like you.
And until these two hearts combine,
my heart will always ask for yours.

~I'm sorry. It has always been him.

Day one.

Tonight, tears accompany me as I dream about him.
Maybe, I would not dream about him.
I have to be strong. This may be hard.
I still love him.
That, no one can change.
But if he is happy, I am happy.
I guess.

Mungkin

Sudah suratan?
Aku dan engkau, tidak akan bahagia.
Kerana dua Dunia kita yang sangat berbeza.
Hidupku untuk akhirat, tidak pernah kau terima.

Aku gagal.
Aku mengalah.
Sungguh aku berserah kepada Dia yang Maha Kuasa.

Sujud Mengharap.
Bukakanlah matanya,
Terangkanlah hatinya dengan kebesaranMu, Ya Khudayah.
Hanya PadaMu aku berserah...

Selamat Tinggal buat kali ini.

Peristiwa Subuh

Good Morning world :)

I feel so good today :)

Yeay :)

You never know what a Solat can do to you :)

It changes your day automatically even if it isn't over yet :)

Masya'allah... :)

Thinking of changing my blogskin to something more.... Matured looking. hmm...

Nausea

Now then I realise, making people happy does not mean that you will achieve happiness.
I forgot that the greatest love of all is when you love yourself.

Masya'allah. Ya Allah forgive me of my sins. This world is a lie. Why did I look forward to this world? Ya Allah, You have already warned me. The only happiness lies in Your path. Ya Allah, why is it that I can't 'talk'. When I talk, nobody listens. But You gave me a gift. A gift of writing. Portraying my feelings through words... Even if sometimes, people don't get me. But I doubt so. Because if people don't listen, they read. Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, I feel lonely.
Why ya Khudayah? Ya Allah, I feel like giving up. I don't know give up on what. Maybe give up on this world? Turn to Sufism.

Ya Allah, I feel sad tonight.

Joglo

My FYP allows me to go deeper into Islam's history which has greatly influenced the Malay history especially in Indonesia. I have to admit that sometimes, I get lost in time and space and most of the time, I can't get back to reality.

I don't understand, why the world is so cruel nowadays. I dream of being in the past, and I like it there. But here I am, stucked in a world full of hatred. Where people like seeing others suffer. And envy those who are living happy lives. Is that the way to live?

Anyways, Did you know that Islam in Indonesia is far more stronger than Islam in the Middle East? My father always say that if people had to do their pilgrimage in Indonesia or other countries, No one would think of going to Mecca or Medina (Saudi).

I went once for my Umrah and I can still remember it vividly, eventhough I was only 9 when I went there. (Gosh, it has been like 10 years?) I am lucky that I was serious about my Ibadah at that age. Alhamdulillah. It is so undeveloped at that time. The Airport? Masya'allah. The service? worse...

I still remember having to queue in a very long line. The aircon was like half dead or something, maybe it was just the body heat from the others. The funny thing is that when it was near to get our passport stamped and 'written on', the officer can close the counter and have coffee!!! Hahaha.... I don't know, maybe I'm used to good service. But still?! Like Sultan, Like citizen. Though I must admit... that not all Arabians we saw were like that. That one, we call Arab Dugul.

Some others could speak in Bahasa Indonesia and was happy when they see us (Malays). But if they ask where we were from, my father always said 'Malaysia'. Father said, they like Malaysians... They don't like Singaporeans. Some think that Singapore is still part of Malaysia. So Can la... ahhaha. At least, better than you say Singapore is part of China right??

I'm not complaining but it makes you wonder what the Sauds are doing with the money they get from the Pilgrims.

The Sauds should do something huh. Something should happen there. Le's just see. Mecca is already flooding you know...

I feel like I am having a headache now. I feel like, I want to do a lot of things after graduating from school. But I am scared. I don't know why I am scared because how would I know if I do not try? Maybe its my nature to be scared of failure.

These two days, I had a very meaningful Eid I suppose. I talked to my dad non stop as we had a lot of similarities in terms of our thinking. And that is not surprising. :) Alhamdulillah, I know and I do realise that this is not something that any girl gets everyday.

So our Eid had been more about sharing our thoughts on Islam, Malay... The world, Knowing Islam, Remembering Allah SWT, Embracing the Sunnah's of our Prophets and commemorating history. These two days had reminded me of my past ambitions. About my past self. I may describe myself now as a boring person. But I have been reminded of how 'interesting' I used to be :) Hahahaha (Ok, nothing that funny to laugh about)

Have been reading up a lot of sejarah melayu lately. Very very interesting I must say. Now I remember why I used to hate Social Studies so much when I was in Secondary school. There is a lot of things that has been hidden from us. I must say that this is very sad.
To see a world which is turned upside down, Inside out, People being so engrossed about making sure they survive in this world even if it means to not be happy and contented. "As long as there is food on the table now, I am happy". Right!

People acting stupid, blaming God for everything bad that is happening. Masya'allah. Waiting for the writing in the Quran to literally vanish then would they believe that 'kiamat' is near? God forgive me.

Yang Kiamat itu Manusia, bukan Dunia. Yang hilang itu ajaran, bukan tulisannya.

For the hand which holds Malacca, has its hands on the throat of the Vatican.

Tight schedule

The 5th week of our FYP had just ended. Another 11 more weeks to go.
Currently living a life like never before. I came back from the library with more than 8 books! I usually borrow maximum 3. Total books i have on loan is around 15? The librarian said the loan quota was 10. Ziza was like "10? Are you sure?" I think its thirty. But definitely not 10 cos i have 15 on hand :I (jangan jadi wei eng uh)

Currently in love with Islamic Architecture. :)) And I am so freaking tired, My shoulders need a rub. Anyone??

Alhamdulillah...

Ibu, Ayah... Mama & Ayah.
Keampunan yang tidak terhingga,
anakanda hulurkan kerana alpa.
Leka dan cuai telah menyebabkan titik-titik hitam
untuk membelenggui hati-hati anakanda.

Risik, Meminang, Bertunang, Bernikah.
Dalam kontext masakini, aku rasa, berkasih sama seperti bertunang. Cumanya, Kedua belah pihak harus bersefahaman terhadap pengertian berkasih, dimana kedua belah pihak bersetuju untuk mendirikan rumahtangga pada suatu hari di masa yang akan datang. Dengan itu, samalah ia seperti bertunang.

Pengerusi Fatwa al-Azhar, Syaikh Atiyyah Saqr menjelaskan cinta adalah suci, cinta dalam bentuk apapun dibolehkan oleh syarak asalkan tidak dikotori dengan niat dan aksi kotor; ia mestilah tidak bercanggah dengn hukum-hukum syara' dan diiringi dengan cinta yang diredhai oleh Allah.
Cinta sejati boleh dibina sebelum berkahwin asalkan cinta yang direstui agama, dilahir dan dipupuk melalui saluran agama. Islam tidak menentang cinta kerana cintalah asas dalam ibadah antara hamba dengan Penciptanya; manakala cinta jugalah asas kepada pembentukan sebuah keluarga Islam yang harmonis.
Cinta yang dibenteras oleh Islam ialah cinta yang dicemari oleh maksiat dan menuruti hawa nafsu; manakala mereka yang memupuk cinta tapi tetap berpegang kepada ajaran Allah dan mengikuti saluran syarak adalah diharuskan oleh syarak dan seterusnya memadu cinta melalui jalan pernikahan yang sah dan halal.
(Ruj : Syaikh (Prof) Abdullah Nasih Ulwan, Islam wal Hubb (Islam dan Cinta); Syaikh Atiyyah Saqr, Islam wa Musykilatul Hayah (Islam dan permasalahan Hidup); Ibn Qayyim al-Jauziah, Raudhah al-muhibbin wa Nuzhah al-Musytaqin (Taman orang-orang bercinta dan kerinduan)

Aku berdoa agar cinta kita akan diredhai Allah S.W.T
Kerana aku percaya, tiada yang sia-sia
Segala yang terjadi, pasti ada hikmahnya.

SAD

I am so sad that my lecturer said that we should be passionate about our work.
Of course, nothing is so sad about that. But what saddens me the most is that, he said we are not putting enough time and effort for the past one month. Masya'Allah.

This brings me down because I know I have put in a considerable amount of effort into this assignment. Only God knows how much time and effort the class had put in for this assignment.

Sad thing. 12 hrs everyday for school. extra three for homework. sometimes we don't eat. Often, a meal a day. Then we don't get enough sleep. I always ask myself. I don't put aside time for Allah. And I'll feel bad. But I just can't. Funny thing, I know I make the choice.

Enough said. I am not going to sacrifice my valuable time for school. I shall make this clear in my blog. I don't care already. I have more important things to do than listen to the lecturers who don't seem to appreciate any effort that we put in. I am going to do what I think is right.

I will do my assignments and stop to eat and pray, because I know I will work better that way.
I will do my assignments meticulously and not let anyone who does not make sense stop me.

I feel so unstable. So tired. So busted.

Let's go seek forgiveness.

People are people. They just can't get enough of everything.

Sometimes, we look at life as a catastrophe.
We see catastrophe, and we think it is hell.
But what if we are really in hell?

Most of the time, we should look at life as heaven.
Often, we should not take things for granted.
Everytime, we should teach our children about something not related to the world.
Because children would learn about the world from everything they see, hear, do, eat, and maybe smell.

But children will never learn about life after death themselves.
Because everybody has different perceptions about this matter.
If we worry that we teach them the wrong thing,
bring a trusted person who is knowledgeable about this subject.
May these children put their brain to good use.

Thank God!

I think I have been reminded of my purpose in life, again :) To trace back my roots. Yes. The Malay history, fight for the Malay rights or at least, be a real Malay and be a good person, who can answer to people who ask about my roots in the future. Preserve history so that it would not die. Such that the sacrifices of our forefathers would not go into vain. So that the future generation would appreciate this land in the future, even if it is claimed to not be theirs, at least they would feel patriotic, and maybe Insya'Allah, learn to fight for their rights.

Currently doing a research on 14th century in Singapore. The internet has nothing about Singapore's history. So propaganda. Since when did Singapore's history started from 19th century?? This is the reason why I did not like history and social studies in secondary school. They fill us up with crap. So I did not give a damn. Lucky for me, I had my other subjects in control to help me get into poly. Haha. Ok. I'm just angry that I know things that people do not know but they should KNOW! I'm angry at the person who stopped educating us with what we should know. I don't wanna be a Singaporean Idiot as Greenday would sing.

Lucky for me Uncle Rashid and Aunty Rahmah came to my house to tell me all about Singapore's history. I am going to write all that I know and I will document it. It will be a documentation about Singapore's history based on real accounts and not based on only artefacts or internet research.

Never trust internet for Singapore history. Even if it is claimed to be a government site. They spelt Sang Nila Utama as Sang Mila Utama. Oh my god! I am so embarrassed to be a Singaporean for a second there!

People, live to know your roots. Without your roots, who are you? What are you now? Children of capitalism... Even if you claim it to be democratic.

So bored

Current situation:
Bored.
Amazed by Irshaad's lappy.
Still exploring Irshaad's lappy.
Thirsty.
Bored.
Still bored.
Oh GOD help me!!!

This is it!

Now I think I have my answer. The answer to why I feel dead. Why I feel like I am not being myself. For these past 10 months or more. And I still wonder though... What had been missing? Why is it that I don't feel my own presence? I thought I was lost.

I remember those times though, when I used to blog frequently... Reflecting on my life. I would always wonder... Why was I given the signs? Even if I do not ask for it? For the past few months that I've lost myself, I think I had been too arrogant to even see the signs. I was so arrogant that I did not even notice I was being arrogant! What a big pity.

But now I know. What had kept me for being me is family. My beliefs. My way of life. Reflecting everyday, putting it down in words... I just loved reflecting. Oh those days. The days where I cherished every moment of my life. When I knew whatever I was doing... When all I cared was to make people happy, not for making people accept me! Why did I change? Why did I change for the worse?? Now I am talking to the girl in the mirror. Now I know what is wrong with her!

God forgive me and my sins. There is nothing I need most other than You. For You are my guide, for you are my light. You shine my way when I led myself into the loom (like 90% of the time!) And you were always there for me... even when I did not notice you. Sometimes I even forget you. Damn me. Now I realise that I do not deserve to go to Your heaven at all. Oh Allah, have mercy on me. Because I do not have the strength to step in Your hell, let alone be Your hellfire.

I felt the ground shake at Far East Plaza just now. Ideas came into my head. What if the building were too fall? Would I still be alive? What about my siblings? Will I get the chance to tell my mom I love her? Would I be able to ask for forgiveness from my relatives and friends? Will I even be given the chance to repent? If I die, and I don't repent, that means I would not have any chance to repent! I will go to hell?! I pushed the thoughts away. Too much to handle.

Then we watched "This is it". MJ. My all time favourite. My idol since I was six. Why people love Michael? Now I know. He is humble. No matter what race, no matter who are you, even if you are amongst the enemy, he will still say "God bless you", "I love you". His tone of voice is so soft. It is as if he is singing but he is actually talking. The way he brings himself is so exquisite and fine. The way he works... very detailed. He is the best of the best that only the best can work with him! masya'Allah.

He gave me the chance to see this movie. To see for myself, what I had been missing. To help me find my answers. I am so touched by His care and love. So touched.

Alhamdulillah Syukurillah, for I have found my answers.
Thak you Allah.

'HALLOWEEN' Freaks Me Out...

Pfft... what a day! Went to Ang Mo Kio today... Recce the Town Garden. Pretty small area... But we were amazed by the awesome background that the softscape gives us for our photos. Such lush greenery!

One good thing is that we had to climb up the hills. After three months of solid 'Heavy' lunchs and no exercise, we went back to square one and started on our Final Year Project. Yeah baby, work it out! Tomorrow is going to be Fort Canning 'Day' For us. Haha. Gonna leave home early in the morning and start our recce.

Then we went to watch Halloween with Ziza's family :S I swear I felt like crying and vomitting through out the whole show! It gave me no room to breath. I could only gasp. Luckily, Hakam was there to make me feel safe. Even though it felt so awkward because I was sitting next to his mom. :l Okay, I am going to relax and calm down. Next week, my favourite cousin is getting married! But tomorrow... jeng3... I'm gonna see him again! Teehee! Can't wait. :))

Nobody knows what kind of love we share.

Now that I am back!

Got myself mobile broadband from M1 :) So... I can get internet access anywhere, provided I bring my lappy. But I'm not going to do that everytime. Even if I do, I have to be very careful.... So that I would not lose my Laptop any more :)

Something has been smothering me... I had an argument with a friend that time. After reading my posts, do you think I have problems with my english? I mean, I know I did not get a distinction for English during my o's but Seriously?

I asked her that if she thinks I had problems with my english, why don't she correct it? So I asked her to correct me. And guess what? She could not answer! Pfft. Come on lah. Oh ya, she had problems with my TycoPrincess nick name. *Clenches fist* Come on lah! Anyone who has played pool with me knows that I'm Tyco... She thinks tyco is good? You don't know the rules of pool is it? If I wanted to show off, I would have nicknamed myself "PoolPrincess" Or some name. I really don't like this kind of people. Problematic.

Ok now I'm done venting my anger. haha. Everytime I think of her, it makes me angry. I can't believe I was so good to her last time. Badigol kan? Now, she's like a backstabber. You know, in Malay there's this saying... Bagai melepaskan anjing yang tersepit. Like you help a dog, what does it do after that? Thank you? No... It runs. I can't Believe I was good to a female dog.

BTW, Happy Birthday Mika! I can't believe you are seven... I thought you were 8!!