Within these four walls

With loads of tissue paper.

Siti Sarah Bte Othman Letak; this is the first bloody time I cry in a few months, not because of a movie I've watched... And it is because of you.
Tell me; What do you want from me exactly?

Your post.

maybe i am a coward by saying what i need to say to you here in blogger but at least everyone in this world gets to know what i have to say. just in case nothing is left out. before anything, i would like to say that this post is not to make matters worst. the main purpose is to resolve this matter as soon as possible. though i must say that the atmosphere in the studio might be even colder than ever before. i feel that we should concentrate more on our projects. im in no position to stop you from changing. however sometimes i think its not you who i am talking to. which ever side of you i dont know. the day you confronted me, you said all the things you wanted to say. i LISTEN, i EVALUATE. and this is what i have to say. firstly you said i should think before i talk. why not you think before you make any jokes or utter anything at all. i tell you that joke stays in me forever and everytime i think about it i get so mad that i start to hate you which i dont like. why think about it you might ask. because it is so impactful and so hurtful that it stays. before things happen you said all things u needed to say about ziza to me. either good or bad i listen. i wasnt judgemental about her.but you, i judge alot about you base on what u have said. maybe i can understand why u acted the way u acted. before ziza is like this than she change and now you guys are bestie. i am not saying im jealous of your bond with her it doesnt bother me at all but i think you shouldnt say the things you said. ziza i apologise if indirectly you are involve in this mess. i apologise. but like i said, i hold on to the things people say. okie maybe not a good choice to hold on to your words because of your short memory. anyway enough i say more u hate me more. so i shut up. lets clean this mess.

My reply.

Sarah, why don't you just grow up??? You are 19 already for goodness sake! Jokes are meant to be jokes. Well if you think it wasn't funny, why don't you think of it as an eye-opener? Have you ever asked why I made the joke? Maybe you had. And possibly you made the wrong assumptions. Wanna know why I made that joke? I was so damn pissed off at you. Why were you watching TV when we were doing work? Well, I have to say I do watch it too but I knew where to stop and do my work! But basically you were watching that bloody thing until ziza's brother turned it off! I was so pissed off at you cos me and ziza did most of the work. I was so pissed off cos whenever our parents ask us, what did we do on that day... And when they ask what did sarah do? And I couldn't give one concrete answer to make them convince that you contributed too... I couldn't convince them that you were contributing to the group SARAH. I just couldn't!! You know how terrible it feels?

And ya... Everything is that lady lecturer's fault. We agreed that it was also our fault. Which it is! It solely is our fault. But I don't know why you keep blaming the lecturer! What fault did she ever do to you till you hate her so much? It is always the fault of others. Then you convince yourself that it really is by admitting it was partially your fault. But then, you will go blaming other's again. Maybe its just human nature isn't it? Grow up Sarah. The world isn't fair. And so you know... You can't complain. Do something Sarah. Make it fair.

What I mean by think before talk. Think SARAH. I can't teach you how to think! If I could, I would. But usually before I give an opinion, I would think to myself. Why should I be saying this? Will the listening party think badly of me when I say this? Before I tell the truth, I'd ask "Will she be offended? What if she does? How badly do I want to tell her this? Must I? Is there any other way?" and before I ask a damn bloody question, I ask myself "Can I find the answer to the question in the net or something? Must I ask this person this? Should I ask some other person instead? If I ask her this, what will be her reply? (If I really don't know then I'd choose to ask)"

I really cannot remember what I told you about ziza. But I know that I did not criticize anyone. Well maybe if they take it to the heart, i don't know. I really cannot remember. I'm sorry. Wait maybe it was a comment I made, the one I said "Maybe she wouldn't cry" or something. I remember only vaguely. But anyway. I shall not crack my head, trying to remember things I can't remember.

I wanna let you know, I do not exaggerate things. I do not like exaggerating. I just speak my mind and I don't add things. I talk by remembering Allah (the things I should not do like gossiping, slander, or lying) , my parents (I won't disgrace them), what is best for me, what is best for the listening party... I know I am not that perfect as a person. No one is. But I always hope I bring out the good and best in everything I do.

I am sorry if I made you hate me. Truthfully, I had always wanted to be your friend even after the 'incident'. But I saw the side of you which I did not like. The vulnerable sarah, who couldn't do anything (except for somethings), the weak sarah, who put the blame on others... The sarah who always contradicted herself. You did not use to contradict yourself, you know that? That was why I was comfortable with you. Do you feel inferior sarah? The sarah I used to know was the opposite. She was opinionated and I loved her opinions. She was not vulnerable, she wanted to prove people wrong. She was strong. But I don't know why she stopped being the sarah she used to be.

I should have called you and apologize. But if I were to call you, i would be crying and my thoughts wouldn't be clear. all I say, wouldn't make any sense to me. So I blog it out. I hope you understand this reply. And I wanna tell you something. I hate people saying things about me which I never did. I pisses me off to the max.

I really hope this works. Thanks Ziza.